My gift is my curse

I've always wanted to be a writer.

I hate when I read stories about poor little girls who need a big strong man to rescue them. Why can't the man need a woman to save him? Why can't the girl be the one who's all rich and worked herself up from nothing and can call all the shots?

So lately I've been writing... a lot.

But it seems, I get about thirty or so pages into it... and then stop.

I don't know why. I have so many ideas floating around in my head, and I want to put them all together... make a heroin that everyone could fall for... but I end up with four different stories, all with good potential... all who have the kind of characters any author could be proud of. But I don't know what to do with it.

Meanwhile, I keep getting tons of new ideas and want to start new stories... AND continue new ones. I feel like I'm being pulled around in so many different directions by my own imagination.

.The City That Never Sleeps.

Relaxation remains fleeting.

I don't know what it is, but I feel so restless. Like I should be out, dressed in my cute little spandex tights, with a flaming pink shirt (one that shows just enough cleavage to make things interesting) and a long flowing cape attached at my nape, running - or flying - around and saving the world. But instead I'm stuck here.... dreaming about great things.

I've tried many things. I've tried writing a book. I've tried cleaning and reorganizing my house (which wasn't a great idea because it means that there's a huge mess now since I'm not into the whole arranging and cleaning up business), I've watched movies, I've read... gosh, I've even resorted to doing my homework. And yet... restless.

Go figure.

There's something missing. Something vital. It feels like if i find it... everything will come together and my puzzle will be complete.

And now I'm freaking out because I've never been good at puzzles. I always lose pieces or break them trying to fit them in to where I want them to go.

And really, what's going to happen when and if I DO complete my puzzle? Then what? Do I lose a different piece? Do I start a new puzzle? Or do I just get to float through the rest of life?

I'm more frustrated then ever because there are things I could be doing. I want to get my book done. I need to get my homework done. But I just can't sit and focus.

I guess it could be worse. I could be OJ right now. At least my problems will temporarily be solved by cake.